Generally, I don't make new year's resolutions; because I'm very bad at the follow-through.
However, I am making these:
1. I will not automatically dismiss Republicans as hopeless morons.
2. I will try to swear less, limiting my curse words to injuries, breakages, and politicians I detest.
3. I will be very philanthropic with any lottery I might win.
4. I will continue to drink my shot-glass full of red cider vinegar each day. Though it tastes terribly awful, I am healthier after a mere month of this remedy. I highly recommend this. Most illnesses tend to start in the bacterial ridden intestines. Red cider vinegar seems to go right to the source and nip it in the growth phase.
5. I will kiss more. Kissing is therapeutic and good for people.
6. I will be all over Scott Walker like white on rice.
7. I will pay down my debt and will not create more.
8. I will cook more interesting meals.
9. I will lose the last five pounds still firmly attached to my torso.
(As an extremely un-willpowered chocolate devourer, losing 15 pounds last year was a feat of amazing strength.) I will get serious about these last five pounds of lard.
10. I will enjoy life to its fullest! Even the idiots who provide me so much angst. They also provide amusement.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Christmas Joke - 2010
Art Kumbalek posted this joke in his column in The Shepard Express. It bears repeating.
Johnny's parents take him to the mall, where he climbs unto Santa's lap. Santa asks him what he wants for Christmas.
Johnny states he wants a f*cking swingset in his backyard. Santa admonishes him that what he said isn't nice and to try again.
Johnny firmly states he wants a f*cking sandbox in his side yard. Santa, exasperated, gives Johnny a lecture on language. Then asks him, again, what he wants for Christmas.
Johnny demands a f*cking trampoline in his front yard. Santa picks up Johnny and carries him over to his parents, where he tells them what just transpired. He tells the parents the child is bad and advises them to give him nothing for Christmas but a big pile of dog doo.
On Christmas morning, Johnny wakes up and races outside. He finds dog doo in the backyard. Same thing in the side yard. Big pile in the front yard. Johnny comes back into the house and his parents ask him what Santa brought him for Christmas. Johnny says, "he brought me a f*cking dog but I can't f*cking find him."
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Have an optimistic 2011!
Johnny's parents take him to the mall, where he climbs unto Santa's lap. Santa asks him what he wants for Christmas.
Johnny states he wants a f*cking swingset in his backyard. Santa admonishes him that what he said isn't nice and to try again.
Johnny firmly states he wants a f*cking sandbox in his side yard. Santa, exasperated, gives Johnny a lecture on language. Then asks him, again, what he wants for Christmas.
Johnny demands a f*cking trampoline in his front yard. Santa picks up Johnny and carries him over to his parents, where he tells them what just transpired. He tells the parents the child is bad and advises them to give him nothing for Christmas but a big pile of dog doo.
On Christmas morning, Johnny wakes up and races outside. He finds dog doo in the backyard. Same thing in the side yard. Big pile in the front yard. Johnny comes back into the house and his parents ask him what Santa brought him for Christmas. Johnny says, "he brought me a f*cking dog but I can't f*cking find him."
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Have an optimistic 2011!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Scott Walker's Bald Spot
From the front, Scott Walker appears to have a very full head of thick hair.
But this is an illusion. Scott Walker has a very hairsprayed-over giant bald spot that was initially on the top of his pointy little head, but is certainly taking over all of the valuable real estate (if such a thing could actually exist on Scott Walker's head).
I am talking about this, because like Scott Walker's bald spot, his political savvy and know-how are exactly the same. He has covered up his incompetence with fancy suits and fighting words, but the man was, is and always shall be a complete moron.
Scott Walker's bald spot is as much on his soul as it is on his head. Time will prove me right.
Despicable him.
But this is an illusion. Scott Walker has a very hairsprayed-over giant bald spot that was initially on the top of his pointy little head, but is certainly taking over all of the valuable real estate (if such a thing could actually exist on Scott Walker's head).
I am talking about this, because like Scott Walker's bald spot, his political savvy and know-how are exactly the same. He has covered up his incompetence with fancy suits and fighting words, but the man was, is and always shall be a complete moron.
Scott Walker's bald spot is as much on his soul as it is on his head. Time will prove me right.
Despicable him.
Monday, December 27, 2010
What I Hate The Most
I don't actually hate much.....most things I find repugnant, I am pretty good at ignoring or keeping out of my life. Some things can't be ignored, though, even if they aren't a part of my life, like injustice and injury to vulnerable members of our society. Like children. Like human trafficking. I hate these things, but feel powerless to do much about them. I wish that were not the case.
But I do hate liars.
Liars astound me. What is it in their pathetic lives that make them lie in the first place? Are people who lie so bereft of anything positive in their lives that they make things up? I believe the worst liars are the ones who tell lies about other people.
The liars that make me unhinged are the ones who make up incredibly awful stories about other people, lies that are blatantly untrue. Or maybe they just tweak the reality to make the story better, or put themselves in a better light. Perhaps the liars wish the stories they tell were true, so they tell the lies hoping they'll actually become the truth. Unfortunately, those types of lies actually do take on the face of truth, if they are repeated by enough people.
Lies and the people who tell them are what I hate the most; and I really can't wait for some age of reckoning, a time when we'll all know the truth and the lies will be exposed. A very good invention would be a lie collar, that just lights up whenever someone is being dishonest. Until they invent one, though, I try to keep liars out of my life. It's pretty easy. The last thing a liar wants to be is around someone who is honest.
If you have the unfortunate experience of being the victim of someone else's lies about you, your life, your experience, you have my complete and utter sympathy. Confronting liars is fruitless; they will deny ever having said or done things; it's their nature. Honesty is very uncomfortable to them.
Meanwhile, be your own best lie detector.....if you've caught someone in a lie, he or she is a liar, and not likely to change. Venture carefully with these people, and never let them into your lives without keeping a very, wary eye on them. Most importantly, understand that the truth does have a way of always shining through at some point. So tell it. And hope that the damage done to you by the liars of the world is only temporary.
But I do hate liars.
Liars astound me. What is it in their pathetic lives that make them lie in the first place? Are people who lie so bereft of anything positive in their lives that they make things up? I believe the worst liars are the ones who tell lies about other people.
The liars that make me unhinged are the ones who make up incredibly awful stories about other people, lies that are blatantly untrue. Or maybe they just tweak the reality to make the story better, or put themselves in a better light. Perhaps the liars wish the stories they tell were true, so they tell the lies hoping they'll actually become the truth. Unfortunately, those types of lies actually do take on the face of truth, if they are repeated by enough people.
Lies and the people who tell them are what I hate the most; and I really can't wait for some age of reckoning, a time when we'll all know the truth and the lies will be exposed. A very good invention would be a lie collar, that just lights up whenever someone is being dishonest. Until they invent one, though, I try to keep liars out of my life. It's pretty easy. The last thing a liar wants to be is around someone who is honest.
If you have the unfortunate experience of being the victim of someone else's lies about you, your life, your experience, you have my complete and utter sympathy. Confronting liars is fruitless; they will deny ever having said or done things; it's their nature. Honesty is very uncomfortable to them.
Meanwhile, be your own best lie detector.....if you've caught someone in a lie, he or she is a liar, and not likely to change. Venture carefully with these people, and never let them into your lives without keeping a very, wary eye on them. Most importantly, understand that the truth does have a way of always shining through at some point. So tell it. And hope that the damage done to you by the liars of the world is only temporary.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas to All.
Words of advice if you didn't get everything you wanted for Christmas:
Don't take it back. I work in retail. I hate returns.
Try to find the thoughtfulness behind that reindeer sweater. If you think you'll never wear it, someone at the homeless shelter would love to be warm this winter.
Socks might seem like a so-so gift, but if you're like me and laundry occasionally gets away from you, you will appreciate them someday.
Finally:
Eat cookies and chocolate with utter abandon.....plenty of time to diet in 2011.
When your relatives spill red wine on your white sofa, a bottle of Oxyclean is all you need. Company is more fun than clean.
Remember, it's Christmas time for your cats, dogs and rabbits, too! When you're cleaning up their barf tonight from all the stuff they ate off the floor, just remember they are organic vacuum cleaners.
Have a wonderful holiday......be Merry......be Happy.....be the best Christmas spirit you can be.
Words of advice if you didn't get everything you wanted for Christmas:
Don't take it back. I work in retail. I hate returns.
Try to find the thoughtfulness behind that reindeer sweater. If you think you'll never wear it, someone at the homeless shelter would love to be warm this winter.
Socks might seem like a so-so gift, but if you're like me and laundry occasionally gets away from you, you will appreciate them someday.
Finally:
Eat cookies and chocolate with utter abandon.....plenty of time to diet in 2011.
When your relatives spill red wine on your white sofa, a bottle of Oxyclean is all you need. Company is more fun than clean.
Remember, it's Christmas time for your cats, dogs and rabbits, too! When you're cleaning up their barf tonight from all the stuff they ate off the floor, just remember they are organic vacuum cleaners.
Have a wonderful holiday......be Merry......be Happy.....be the best Christmas spirit you can be.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Emperor Walker's Coming - Hide the Poor, Start Running
Well, instead of enlightening the good citizens of Wisconsin with his cabinet picks, Mr. Walker is busy trying to figure out ways to make sure all rules governing State of Wisconsin agencies are approved or dismissed by him. Mr. Walker truly is on a power trip, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nixon and Watergate.
Not that this is bad. Already, Mr. Walker is proving himself to be a dictator, not a govenor. We all have watched dictators fall, so for those of us with enough intelligence to know that Scott Walker is an empty, talking head, this is a good thing. We all anxiously anticipate Mr. Walker's fall. We can only hope it's on his head and he lives out the rest of his years unable to harm any more people than he already has. Besides, sitting in his own fecal matter in a sagging diaper seems a fitting end to his career.
Suggested Christmas Gifts for Scott Walker:
1. Anyone who won't be embarrassed to work in his administration.
2. Alcohol. I'm convinced this guy must be drunk 90% of the time to think he can govern anything.
3. A gas guzzling Cadillac SUV.
4. A brain.
5. Head-Lax. (Ex-lax for the brain. His is so obviously backed up with petrified icky things.)
6. Ice skates, for obvious reasons.
7. Thin ice on Lake Monona, to go with his new snowmobile.
8. A nose ring, so the rich can lead him around more easily.
9. A sweet, young, blonde secretary with political aspirations of her own.
10. Cranberries, for the obvious state-wide bog that is looming on the horizon.
Not that this is bad. Already, Mr. Walker is proving himself to be a dictator, not a govenor. We all have watched dictators fall, so for those of us with enough intelligence to know that Scott Walker is an empty, talking head, this is a good thing. We all anxiously anticipate Mr. Walker's fall. We can only hope it's on his head and he lives out the rest of his years unable to harm any more people than he already has. Besides, sitting in his own fecal matter in a sagging diaper seems a fitting end to his career.
Suggested Christmas Gifts for Scott Walker:
1. Anyone who won't be embarrassed to work in his administration.
2. Alcohol. I'm convinced this guy must be drunk 90% of the time to think he can govern anything.
3. A gas guzzling Cadillac SUV.
4. A brain.
5. Head-Lax. (Ex-lax for the brain. His is so obviously backed up with petrified icky things.)
6. Ice skates, for obvious reasons.
7. Thin ice on Lake Monona, to go with his new snowmobile.
8. A nose ring, so the rich can lead him around more easily.
9. A sweet, young, blonde secretary with political aspirations of her own.
10. Cranberries, for the obvious state-wide bog that is looming on the horizon.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
This, That and the Other
I'm waiting for Governor-Elect Scott Walker to tell us who will be named to his cabinet posts. The Clowns in the Cupboard. Anyone who politically aligns himself with Mr. Walker will have a very short-lived career.
Meanwhile, Christmas is just around the corner. Holiday spirit is pretty good this year. Had an interesting coversation with a nice couple who were trying to find something to give to his mother. I'm sure everyone has a family member who NEVER likes anything they receive (selfish, self-absorbed morons), feigns delight in the object and then puts it somewhere never to be seen again. I have a few suggestions on where those people should put their unappreciated gifts.
What is it with people like this? Are their lives so miserable and uninspired that they have to find fault with a gift? Do they really expect their families to keep up with their ever changing whims of taste?
I know people like this, have several in my family. Nothing is ever quite good enough for them. They are fault finders who take their jobs very very seriously.
To all of you less than gracious people who take up so much space in the world. Merry Christmas! And give the gift that keeps on giving this year, shut the F*ck up for a change.
Meanwhile, Christmas is just around the corner. Holiday spirit is pretty good this year. Had an interesting coversation with a nice couple who were trying to find something to give to his mother. I'm sure everyone has a family member who NEVER likes anything they receive (selfish, self-absorbed morons), feigns delight in the object and then puts it somewhere never to be seen again. I have a few suggestions on where those people should put their unappreciated gifts.
What is it with people like this? Are their lives so miserable and uninspired that they have to find fault with a gift? Do they really expect their families to keep up with their ever changing whims of taste?
I know people like this, have several in my family. Nothing is ever quite good enough for them. They are fault finders who take their jobs very very seriously.
To all of you less than gracious people who take up so much space in the world. Merry Christmas! And give the gift that keeps on giving this year, shut the F*ck up for a change.
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