New Years Resolutions I'd Like to See

1.  Scott Walker.  I will stop pretending I know anything about anything.

2.  Mitt Romney.  I will pay 47% in taxes on my offshore illegal investments.

3.  Barack Obama.  I will kick John Boerner's a$$ from here to Kenya.

4.  Anne Coulter.  I will dress up in leather and bop a liberal, all while keeping my eyes open.

5.  Ron Johnson.  I do solemnly swear to lose reelection by doing what I do best.  Nothing.

6.  Donald Trump.  I will shave my head.

7.  Paul Ryan.  I will lose my schoolboy charm and have an affair with a Catholic woman who has had an abortion.

8.  George Bush, Sr.  I will die.

9.  George Dubya Bush.  I will stand trial in The Hague for war crimes.

10.  Chris Abele.  I will stop sticking it to Milwaukee County employees/retirees and commit Sheriff Clarke to the Behavioral Health Division for observation.

11.  Sheriff Clarke.  I will stop making a horse's a$$ out of myself at every opportunity.  I will also buy a portable electro-convulsive therapy machine and hook myself up whenever I start to feel tea-partyish.

12.  Lindsey Lohan.  I will give up on the craft and become a full-fledged junkie, once and for all.  I will also buy burglarly tools; shoplifting is too hard.