Sunday, July 18, 2010

America the Ugly

Things I hate about Americans:

1. Don't get all huffy with me when I tell you that the sale price of the diamond ring you're looking at expired at 1 p.m. Especially after you tell me that you just got a new Mercedes and your fiancee just got a new BMW. Americans ALWAYS want something for nothing.

2. Pick up your pedigree dog shit. If you can't remember to bring a plastic bag to the park, bring your Dooney & Burke that sits in your closet because now you hate it. Give it a useful purpose.

3. Don't friggin' shop for things you are going to return later. Make a commitment to a purchase and be done with it. Seek psychological counseling for your shopping addiction/exhilaration/need to feel that "spend" high.

4. Don't buy a ruby and diamond necklace to wear to an event and then return it. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to promote an image that is utterly false? I guess you don't; you'd have to be somewhat real to get that. You ARE more than your jewelry, or at least, you should be.

5. Don't pile your grocery cart with senseless, calorie-laden foods and then think you're alright because you bought a 12 pack of diet Coke. Hit the produce aisle for an apple, and get a glass of water out of your kitchen sink. I'm sick of standing in the check-out line behind seriously obese people who have nothing healthy in their carts. I am not a "fatist".....I am just seriously wondering how much you're going to cost me in health care premiums.

6. And to the people above, stop leaving your shopping cart in the parking lot. Those fifty steps to walk it back to the store, or even to a parking lot cart corral could burn a quarter of the calories in that donut you're eating.

7. Reality television shows make me suicidal. If this is reality, kill me now. Is there ANYONE left in Hollywood with a creative idea? Is there anything more interesting to watch on television than some arrogant society matron going shopping for clothing that is WAY TOO YOUNG for her? Please tell me there is. Frankly, how do you live with yourselves, spending thousands on flowers for your lunch tables, while people die in the world for lack of fresh water? Don't tell me about not feeling guilty about being privileged. I'd love to make you feel guilty; but it's probably impossible. On second thought, I would rather make you feel pain. Narcissism reigns in America because Americans are numb, and numbskulls.

8. If you're over 45 years old, don't wear leather pants, and PLEASE don't sing bullshit songs with a less than stellar voice (Money Can't Buy you Class?????). Jesus H. That Housewife really ought to spend some money on psychiatric help. What a first class WANNA-BE. Money seems to have done that for her. Question is, what does she WANNA BE? It certainly can't be popular.

9. Let's all buy $1700 shoes that will hurt our feet so we can symbolically show that we have arrived. At Insanityville.

10. A $1,000 blouse is probably not made any better than a $100 blouse. But if $900 makes you feel special, man, you got bigger problems than your wardrobe. Clueless people have taken over this country. Revolution is right around the corner. I, personally, can't wait.


No comments: