Monday, July 26, 2010

The Wisconsinite view of Ill-annoy

I live in Wisconsin, which is a beautiful state. It has magnificent hills and bluffs, a multitude of clear blue lakes, forests, rivers and is as picturesque as any state you've ever been in. Wisconsin borders Illinois, which has two redeeming features: Chicago and Arlington Race Track. Short of that, Illinois is flat (being a great plains state after all) and utterly boring. For that reason, Illinois residents buy up land in Wisconsin to spend their vacations. All fine and well. Wisconsin needs their tourism dollars.

However, with rare exception I can assert the fact that all Wisconsinites detest the Flatlanders who come into our state every weekend supposedly to vacation, but really just to piss us off. We call them FIBS (Fuckin' Illinois Bastards) and wish they'd learn some manners, or at least, the rules of highway driving.

FIBS make interstate driving a nightmare; they all speed, but the biggest speeders are the ones pulling giant boats. I saw one of these FIBS go past me at 90 mph and ten minutes later noticed his giant SUV in the ditch with the boat on top of it. I would have stopped to help, but I really didn't care. That's how bad it is. Other, better Samaritans than I had stopped. I suppose I would have offered assistance had no one else been around, but my general dislike for Ill-Annoyians is greater than my regard for their ignorants lives, in a nutshell. I wish it was mandatory for all Ill-Annoyians to have an "Asshole on Board" sign in their rear window.

Illinois has one big lake around Antioch where a zillion people have built cottages and launch their boats. The sand in this lake is not really sand, but oily, gritty muck that sticks to your feet when you try to walk in it. You can literally hear the sucking noise it makes when you try to pull your feet out of it. It's no real wonder that the Ill-Annoyians come into Wisconsin to use our natural resources; they've made a cesspool of their own. Listen, Ill-Annoyians, if you wanted to live on water, why did you settle in a flat, great plains state? Clueless morons!!!!!

Anyhow, it wouldn't be so bad if the FIBS had some regard for human life, but they don't. They drive their Lexus', and Escalades, and giant SUV's and pull their boats and four wheelers through our state every weekend, at 90 to 100 mph. Wisconsin is big, it takes some driving to get to resort areas; SO plan for it! Don't try to do a 6 hour trip in 4 hours. Stop endangering our lives or stay the fuck off our roads.

I took a road trip up the Mississippi this weekend through some of Wisconsin's most beautiful scenery. The roads were heavy with bikers and other people enjoying the beauty of the bluffs and the river. It is probably one of the nicest drives in America. All of the drivers were courteous and cautious, especially through some of the small and quaint villages that dot the shoreline. No problems. Crossed over into Red Wing, Minnesota and came back down along their side of the river into LaCrosse. Again, no problem. I don't know why, but Ill-Annoyians don't seem to frequent this part of Wisconsin, so its a refuge for Wisconsinites sick to death of putting their lives on the line to go on a road trip. I can't tell you how much I wish we could charge $1000 per head in every carload of Ill-Annoy people crossing our borders and using our roads, and another $2,000 for their giant boats. The difference between Wisconsinites and Ill-Annoyians is that Wisconsinites have great admiration for the pristine natural beauty of our state. Ill-Annoyians have Lake Muck and attitudes to match.

Flatlander - Go HOME!

No comments: