Friday, December 31, 2010

Resolutions for 2011

Generally, I don't make new year's resolutions; because I'm very bad at the follow-through.

However, I am making these:

1. I will not automatically dismiss Republicans as hopeless morons.

2. I will try to swear less, limiting my curse words to injuries, breakages, and politicians I detest.

3. I will be very philanthropic with any lottery I might win.

4. I will continue to drink my shot-glass full of red cider vinegar each day. Though it tastes terribly awful, I am healthier after a mere month of this remedy. I highly recommend this. Most illnesses tend to start in the bacterial ridden intestines. Red cider vinegar seems to go right to the source and nip it in the growth phase.

5. I will kiss more. Kissing is therapeutic and good for people.

6. I will be all over Scott Walker like white on rice.

7. I will pay down my debt and will not create more.

8. I will cook more interesting meals.

9. I will lose the last five pounds still firmly attached to my torso.
(As an extremely un-willpowered chocolate devourer, losing 15 pounds last year was a feat of amazing strength.) I will get serious about these last five pounds of lard.

10. I will enjoy life to its fullest! Even the idiots who provide me so much angst. They also provide amusement.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Christmas Joke - 2010

Art Kumbalek posted this joke in his column in The Shepard Express. It bears repeating.

Johnny's parents take him to the mall, where he climbs unto Santa's lap. Santa asks him what he wants for Christmas.

Johnny states he wants a f*cking swingset in his backyard. Santa admonishes him that what he said isn't nice and to try again.

Johnny firmly states he wants a f*cking sandbox in his side yard. Santa, exasperated, gives Johnny a lecture on language. Then asks him, again, what he wants for Christmas.

Johnny demands a f*cking trampoline in his front yard. Santa picks up Johnny and carries him over to his parents, where he tells them what just transpired. He tells the parents the child is bad and advises them to give him nothing for Christmas but a big pile of dog doo.

On Christmas morning, Johnny wakes up and races outside. He finds dog doo in the backyard. Same thing in the side yard. Big pile in the front yard. Johnny comes back into the house and his parents ask him what Santa brought him for Christmas. Johnny says, "he brought me a f*cking dog but I can't f*cking find him."

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Have an optimistic 2011!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Scott Walker's Bald Spot

From the front, Scott Walker appears to have a very full head of thick hair.
But this is an illusion. Scott Walker has a very hairsprayed-over giant bald spot that was initially on the top of his pointy little head, but is certainly taking over all of the valuable real estate (if such a thing could actually exist on Scott Walker's head).

I am talking about this, because like Scott Walker's bald spot, his political savvy and know-how are exactly the same. He has covered up his incompetence with fancy suits and fighting words, but the man was, is and always shall be a complete moron.

Scott Walker's bald spot is as much on his soul as it is on his head. Time will prove me right.

Despicable him.

Monday, December 27, 2010

What I Hate The Most

I don't actually hate much.....most things I find repugnant, I am pretty good at ignoring or keeping out of my life. Some things can't be ignored, though, even if they aren't a part of my life, like injustice and injury to vulnerable members of our society. Like children. Like human trafficking. I hate these things, but feel powerless to do much about them. I wish that were not the case.

But I do hate liars.

Liars astound me. What is it in their pathetic lives that make them lie in the first place? Are people who lie so bereft of anything positive in their lives that they make things up? I believe the worst liars are the ones who tell lies about other people.

The liars that make me unhinged are the ones who make up incredibly awful stories about other people, lies that are blatantly untrue. Or maybe they just tweak the reality to make the story better, or put themselves in a better light. Perhaps the liars wish the stories they tell were true, so they tell the lies hoping they'll actually become the truth. Unfortunately, those types of lies actually do take on the face of truth, if they are repeated by enough people.

Lies and the people who tell them are what I hate the most; and I really can't wait for some age of reckoning, a time when we'll all know the truth and the lies will be exposed. A very good invention would be a lie collar, that just lights up whenever someone is being dishonest. Until they invent one, though, I try to keep liars out of my life. It's pretty easy. The last thing a liar wants to be is around someone who is honest.

If you have the unfortunate experience of being the victim of someone else's lies about you, your life, your experience, you have my complete and utter sympathy. Confronting liars is fruitless; they will deny ever having said or done things; it's their nature. Honesty is very uncomfortable to them.

Meanwhile, be your own best lie detector.....if you've caught someone in a lie, he or she is a liar, and not likely to change. Venture carefully with these people, and never let them into your lives without keeping a very, wary eye on them. Most importantly, understand that the truth does have a way of always shining through at some point. So tell it. And hope that the damage done to you by the liars of the world is only temporary.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to All.

Words of advice if you didn't get everything you wanted for Christmas:

Don't take it back. I work in retail. I hate returns.

Try to find the thoughtfulness behind that reindeer sweater. If you think you'll never wear it, someone at the homeless shelter would love to be warm this winter.

Socks might seem like a so-so gift, but if you're like me and laundry occasionally gets away from you, you will appreciate them someday.


Eat cookies and chocolate with utter abandon.....plenty of time to diet in 2011.

When your relatives spill red wine on your white sofa, a bottle of Oxyclean is all you need. Company is more fun than clean.

Remember, it's Christmas time for your cats, dogs and rabbits, too! When you're cleaning up their barf tonight from all the stuff they ate off the floor, just remember they are organic vacuum cleaners.

Have a wonderful the best Christmas spirit you can be.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Emperor Walker's Coming - Hide the Poor, Start Running

Well, instead of enlightening the good citizens of Wisconsin with his cabinet picks, Mr. Walker is busy trying to figure out ways to make sure all rules governing State of Wisconsin agencies are approved or dismissed by him. Mr. Walker truly is on a power trip, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nixon and Watergate.

Not that this is bad. Already, Mr. Walker is proving himself to be a dictator, not a govenor. We all have watched dictators fall, so for those of us with enough intelligence to know that Scott Walker is an empty, talking head, this is a good thing. We all anxiously anticipate Mr. Walker's fall. We can only hope it's on his head and he lives out the rest of his years unable to harm any more people than he already has. Besides, sitting in his own fecal matter in a sagging diaper seems a fitting end to his career.

Suggested Christmas Gifts for Scott Walker:

1. Anyone who won't be embarrassed to work in his administration.
2. Alcohol. I'm convinced this guy must be drunk 90% of the time to think he can govern anything.
3. A gas guzzling Cadillac SUV.
4. A brain.
5. Head-Lax. (Ex-lax for the brain. His is so obviously backed up with petrified icky things.)
6. Ice skates, for obvious reasons.
7. Thin ice on Lake Monona, to go with his new snowmobile.
8. A nose ring, so the rich can lead him around more easily.
9. A sweet, young, blonde secretary with political aspirations of her own.
10. Cranberries, for the obvious state-wide bog that is looming on the horizon.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

This, That and the Other

I'm waiting for Governor-Elect Scott Walker to tell us who will be named to his cabinet posts. The Clowns in the Cupboard. Anyone who politically aligns himself with Mr. Walker will have a very short-lived career.

Meanwhile, Christmas is just around the corner. Holiday spirit is pretty good this year. Had an interesting coversation with a nice couple who were trying to find something to give to his mother. I'm sure everyone has a family member who NEVER likes anything they receive (selfish, self-absorbed morons), feigns delight in the object and then puts it somewhere never to be seen again. I have a few suggestions on where those people should put their unappreciated gifts.

What is it with people like this? Are their lives so miserable and uninspired that they have to find fault with a gift? Do they really expect their families to keep up with their ever changing whims of taste?

I know people like this, have several in my family. Nothing is ever quite good enough for them. They are fault finders who take their jobs very very seriously.

To all of you less than gracious people who take up so much space in the world. Merry Christmas! And give the gift that keeps on giving this year, shut the F*ck up for a change.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Governor- Mistake, Scott Walker

Judging by the letters to the editor of The Milwaukee Journal, I am not the only one profoundly dismayed by the the election of Scott Walker and his subsequent actions.  I'm glad I'm not alone, I sort of had the feeling that I was surrounded by the insane. 

This yokel hasn't even taken office yet, but he has managed to alienate a whole group of thoughtful Wisconsin citizens, businesses and local governments.  Not that he cares about that; assuredly, he does not.  The golden apple of the election is his prize, and that is all that Mr. Walker cares about.  My prediction stands, he will choke on his first bite of that apple.

The current joke is that Scott Walker has managed to create a whole slew of new jobs.....problem is they are in Illinois and California. 

At this time, I would personally like to thank all of you idiots who voted this political poser into office.  You have the collective sense of the world's largest gnat.  I live to see the day when you are all chagrined by your utter lack of intelligence, foresight and poltical savvy in electing Scott Walker.  The one thing I can guarantee Scott Walker will give you is unabashed embarassment.  Unfortunately, your actions will take down the good people of this state, too, who are already embarassed that the election went to Mr. Walker.  Wisconsin needs to change it's motto to "Backward".

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Dyslexic Governor-Elect Scott Walker

Talgo, the high-speed train car manufacturer, is pulling it's business operations out of Wisconsin, after all of Mayor Tom Barrett's efforts to bring them here, creating at least 125 jobs.

Talgo is pulling out because Scott Walker shot dead any plans to build high-speed rail in Wisconsin, due mainly to his indebtedness to the Wisconsin Road Builders Association, and their enormous contributions to elect this horse's arse.

Now many of us remember that Scott Walker promised to create jobs in Wisconsin; it was one of his most powerful promises.  Too bad it was all lip-service, but lip-service is what Scott Walker excels at; especially puckering up and kissing the hairy asses of the ultra rich and democratically challenged.

This writer concludes that Mr. Walker is politically dyslexic.  Instead of creating jobs, he managed to get rid of 125 brand new ones.   But this can mean good things for Wisconsin.  Walker promised to be a great governor.  My prediction is he will fail so miserably at this that we will all get to watch him be impeached.  Waiting for that magical moment, which is sure to come, is just a little bit of agony, but come it will.  Idiots should know their place.  Mr. Walker, as stupid as he is, will surely learn his.

Friday, December 10, 2010

More Fun with the Brainless Governor Elect

Okay, so the 810 million or so bucks that could have built light rail, improved environmental impact and transported people efficiently is now officially dead thanks to Scott Walker.  The money is going to California or Illinois.  Wisconsinites lost out.  Now I wonder just how many people will lament this decision once gasoline is being rationed to control greenhouse gasses.  But that's looking to the future, someplace Scott Walker can't even imagine, nor, obviously, can the population who elected him.  Scott Walker did, however, agree to get rid of the taxes on health savings accounts.  WEE DOGIE.  You can now save up to pay for your own heart attack, tax free.

The future seems to be arriving rather rapidly.  Am I the only one who is noticing this?  The level of discontent, not only in this country, but in the world is rapidly becoming so evident, you'd have to be a blind man (or a Republican) not to see it.  When did you ever see a royal's Rolls Royce attacked in a country as staid as Britain? 

I call myself an Anarchist because I truly do believe that the only way things will ever change is by tearing all institutions down and starting over.  But anarchy is very scary, even to me, and that it is starting to happen frightens me very much.

The fundamental lesson people seem to be missing here is that you cannot suppress the majority to grant privileges to the very small percentage of ultra-rich folks who think their money somehow makes them special.  Unfortunately, that money seems, more and more, to be making the rich nothing more than a target.  You'd think they'd get a clue. 

Well, it's probably time for a civil war anyhow.  We're so politically stagnant that any effort toward progress gets strangled by the status quo immediately.  America the free really is no more, and I'm truly unsure that it ever was.  It is rapidly declining into fascism.  I am disheartened to call myself an American and I truly hope that I will become an ex-patriot sooner than later.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Scott Walker, The Tough Guy

Well, Walker's guns are blazing, and his current target is state worker employee unions.

He is so tough, I'm trembling just thinking about him. NOT. I believe I could kick his stupid ass with one hand tied behind my back. I am, however, very concerned about what havoc such an in the box thinker can wreak.

Scott Walker is a simpering wimp. He is clearly having his puppet strings pulled by the Republican Party of No to show what a hard line he is going to take as the new governor. His first hatred and his first target, state employee unions. How ludicrous of us to think that state employees should have fair representation when dealing with their employer. Mr. Walker will waste enormous amounts of time and resources fighting this battle, which he will ultimately lose; but that is beside his point. Mr. Walker's point is to show what a tough guy he is and what a hard-line politician he is going to be as Governor of the State of Wisconsin.

Get real. Walker, we all know there is nothing going on in that empty Oz head of yours. All of your bully posturing is just avaricious public relations to prove to the idiots who elected you that you are the right guy for the job. Unfortunately, you couldn't be more wrong. Again, you promote the image of the Wizard, standing behind the curtain, pulling the levers of the empty head.

I don't know about anyone else in the State of Wisconsin, but everytime I see a picture of Walker in the newspaper, or a news clip of him on television, I am reduced to a gag reflex. It is just a matter of time before all citizens of Wisconsin feel the same way. I see impeachment in your future, and judging by how little you know about the real world, I see it coming very soon. Now that is something to look forward to.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Christmas Shopping - 2010

Despite having bought many things, sight unseen, online to give as Christmas gifts, I still have to go out there, to the dreaded mall, to pick things up.

My husband and I try to make Christmas more about tradition (having parties, eating tons of really good stuff and drinking brandy-laden eggnog) than about the materialism of gifts, but you have to give something, right?

So, yesterday, there we were, at the Mall, which was surprisingly less full than I've seen it at this time of year in the past.  If anyone needs a hands-on, real look at America's economy, go to a shopping center and see how easy it is to navigate through it.  Thanks Bush.  Thanks Obama.  Thanks Wall Street.  I really have enjoyed being shafted ( and I really want to use the F word instead) by all of you.  You, Obama!  Get your integrity back.  Stop being a mainline politician, which you did once and which was precisely what got you elected in the first place.  If you want to be a one-term president, just keep doing what you're doing.  You've become a sell out.  Maybe a one term sell-out is alright with you.  You did, afterall, make the history books.

Anyhow, my husband has about a five second tolerance for shopping, although he'll trudge along after me and not complain.  However, I can't get anything done when he's there.  His uncomplaining presence hovers over me like a huge black cloud, making it impossible for me to take the time to dig through the racks.

Digging through the racks.   Why can't we just have normal displays, why is everything jammed, lodged, packed, wedged, and basically ruined on too small display racks?  Harrod's in London is the only place I've ever been that knows how to run a department store.  Usually, by the time you find something that's actually not a piece of trash on one of the overloaded racks here in America, the item is ruined by so much hangar poking, manhandling, falling on the floor, etc.  Did you ever notice that Christmas time in America seems to be the season when all the store buyer's mistakes appear on the selling floor, in one last ditch attempt to prove they were a savvy business decision.  It is picking through these hideous items that drives me nuts.

Suggestion for retailers:  set up pot kiosks throughout your store, and offer people the opportunity to get stoned periodically.  You'd even sell the ugliest stuff in the universe that one of your buyers brought into your store, because everyone knows ingesting pot clouds judgment.  Anyone who came of age in the sixties only has to remember some of their late night hook-ups to know that is true.  All of you prudes will have to trust me on this one.

I really wish I had some valium, some xanax, or a good old fashioned quaalude to take before I venture out this afternoon in search of perfect gifts.  More importantly, all gifts should come with valium, xanax or quaaludes to make the recipient as happy to get it as you were to buy it.

Anyhow, I'm going.  Straight.  Alone.  Unarmed.  I am trying to have the right attitude and make this fun.  But a 'lude sure would benefit me on that one.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Walker and Wisconsin

Well, bend over Wisconsin state employees and prepare for the kick, Scott Walker is coming.  Your only hope will be that the labor contracts are signed before Scotty Boy takes over Madison and completely decimates the workforce, much the same way he destroyed Milwaukee County's workforce.

Walker will ask for wage freezes, concessions in health care coverage and contributions to the pension plan from all state employees. 

Having worked for Milwaukee County, I remember Walker's reign; the biggest one being no pay raises for the last six years I was employed.  It's ridiculous to not properly compensate a workforce while granting tax cuts  for the richest 10% of the state's population, but welcome to Walkerland. 

I don't know how Walker intends to accomplish anything as governor by alienating all the people who get things done.  Oh, but what am I saying?  Walker has never really accomplished anything.  The morons in this state who elected him to this office are going to get a first class education in the politics of buffoonery. 

I fervently hope that Jim Doyle will be able to get the labor contracts signed before Walker descends on Madison wearing the dark cloak of rhetoric he travels in. 

I live in the land of Oz, and the governor is behind the curtain, pulling the levers of the empty head who is running things.  But I have faith that I won't need Toto to expose what a cheap mouthpiece Walker actually is.  He'll do that all by himself.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Food Safety

I received an e-mail from Senator Herb Kohl (D-WI) who advised me of progress being made regarding the nation's food safety with the passage of S.510, the Food Safety Modernization Act.

I appreciate that this issue is being taken seriously and that positive steps are being taken to ensure the safety of America's food supply.

I've learned that people die, many of them small children, because super-conglomerate food processors have not been held accountable for the safety or sanitary conditions of their operations. I hope the Senate Bill goes far enough in insuring that the money gluttonous, bottom line capitalist pigs whose five major companies represent the majority of food processed in the United States never endanger another human being.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to eat organic foods from my local market.  It would be nice if the rest of America would do the same. 

Citizens in America do have power.  We just don't use it.