Failing My Self Improvement Class

My assignment was to write down three people I'd like to invite to my house for cocktails.

I think you all pretty much know my attitude, so it should surprise no one that it took me quite some deliberation to even think of three people (living or dead) I'd like to have cocktails with.  My answer would depend on my (usually black) mood --- from everyone I've ever known, loved or despised to absolutely not a single person on the planet.  Me and my good buddy Johnny Walker, so to speak.

Anyhow.  These three eventually came to mind.  They're all dead.  But this is an assignment not a reality show (thank Freakin' God).

1.  John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck so totally understood the depth and breadth of the human condition, he could translate it to a written word, and make YOU, the reader, not just understand the depth and breadth of it but experience the pain and the joy of it.  That's a writer.  On a more personal level, John Steinbeck novels leave you with the very fortunate condition of never feeling comfortable making a judgment about another human being for the rest of your born days.

2.  Vincent Van Gogh. 

Vincent Van Gogh liked to drink wine and I like to drink wine.  And whiskey.  An occasional margarita or vodka martini.  Definitely hurricanes.  Rum.  Absinthe.  I digress.  Vincent Van Gogh taught me that genius is almost never going to be found in convention, and rarely going to be recognized in its possessor's lifetime.  In fact, genius is going to be mostly derided and dismissed, due to the overwhelming insecurity of very smart and fabulously educated non-geniuses. 

3.  Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut taught me the importance of having an alter-ego (hence this blog).  Having an alter-ego will maintain your sanity.  Having a place to express all the things you'd like to say and do, but can't say and do for fear of recrimination, excommunication, or the dreaded black ball of disinterest denial and dismissal.

Kurt Vonnegut's alter ego was a science fiction writer named Kilgore Trout.  (Who lived and died a life not unlike Vincent Van Gogh's.)   One of Kilgore Trout's stories, (one that was derided and dismissed) had to do with an alien space craft landing in a farmer's field.  The farmer's barn started on fire, so the aliens rushed to the farm house to tell the farmer that his barn was on fire.  The aliens only means of communication, however, was farting and tap dancing.  As the aliens tried to communicate to the farmer that his barn was on fire by farting and tap dancing, the barn, alas, burned to the ground.

We're all farting and tap dancing here folks.  Nobody knows what we're saying.  Especially this bitch on a bus.

Red White and Blue really Black, Blacker and Blackest

This country is so full of crap I can't stand living here.

There are a few things on which I can rely:

#1.  Any political statement sponsored by Americans for Prosperity is an outrageous lie.

#2.  Americans are too stupid to understand the hoax being perpetrated on them by #1.

#3.  Chris Christie is a pain in the a$$, fat cat whose penchant for power is only overshadowed by his penchant for (obviously) all the wrong foods.

#4.  Anything Bobby Jindal does Scott Walker will mimic.  Two half wits if there ever was a whole.

#5.  Scott Walker being paid a governor's salary is sadder, more ironic, and just plain unfair than his opinions on who earns a minimum wage.  Scott Walker would be overpaid at minimum wage.  Period.

#6.  The fact that a whole city was unable to drink or bathe in water because it's been contaminated by a business is reflective of how all of America is being sold out for a corporate bottom line.

#7.  The fact that a whole state's coastline has been destroyed by oil and gas exploration companies is a crime even more hideous than the crime of the local fisherman's ignorant opinion that to fix this would cause fishing problems.  Huh?  Fishing problems?  Louisiana is a classic example on how it benefits corporations to keep the populace uneducated by spoon feeding them fish tales.

#8.  I live in the south.  It's conservative.  I get that.  But I can't stand the news programs and how freaking biased all information broadcast here actually is.  Can someone please start up a television station that doesn't reek of stagnant cultural biases.

#9.  Justin Bieber does coke.  Jesus - we haven't had a decent new drug in decades.  Coke is so passé.  As unhappy as Americans are, you'd think someone would have come up with a fun drug that's actually good for you.  I mean, besides Viagra.

#10.  American's are as f*cking boring as their ridiculous opinions, hobbies and fetishes.  As a culture, we're so NOTHING.  Why would anyone covet anything here?  I'm just so over this super power, because it's SO NOT.  We're dull, depressed, dissatisfied, demented, delusional and drugged up.  Someone kill us.

Obviously, I'm having a particularly unpatriotic day today.  These moods descend on me on a regular basis.  Sure wish I didn't live in America.  It's killing me.

Let's Have a Traffic Jam

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is under scrutiny and fire for possibly causing major traffic problems on the George Washington Bridge, which connects Manhattan to Ft. Lee, New Jersey because a politician in Ft. Lee refused to back him.

Okay, that's a classic example of government gone rogue.  When any politician puts his political aspirations ahead of the good of his constituency, and in this case, to the detriment of his constituency, that person needs to be removed from office.  People enter politics supposedly to "serve", not to cause problems for the common man.

In the overall scheme of things, all of our politicians are exactly like Chris Christie, which is why democracy no longer works.  Even recalling every politician in office today wouldn't fix it, because the system is irreparably broken. 

But back to Christie.  He claims he didn't know; which means he doesn't have a clue what his top administrators are doing.  Not exactly leadership material.  And if he did know, and conspired to create problems for Ft. Lee, New Jersey, than what kind of person is he?  One almost wishes for a Tony Soprano-like figure to rise from the shadows and put an end to Chris Christie's nonsense.  But since we can't kill all of our leaders, and all of our leaders can't lead --- what do we do?

If only someone had an answer.  There certainly seems to be no political solution.   I feel like an ancient Roman, watching the decline of this empire.  I do so with mixed emotions.  Good riddance and Holy Crap --- what's coming next?

How to Love the Unloveable

I find it very difficult to find love or forgiveness inside myself when I see starving children suffering in Syria, Afghanistan and Lebanon, brought to you by ridiculous Muslim men who think themselves religious.

I can't stand right wing politicians who continually flap their rhetoric while evidence of their misguided philosophy lies all around them.

The haters who spray their delusional venom over anything or anyone who doesn't fit a rigid set of standards only a hater could understand, cause me great anxiety and an empty heart.

So how do you love these people, because, it is true, love cures everything.  The problem is, how do you do it?

Selective love doesn't cure the problems of the world.  So even if you're a loving person, limiting your love to your friends and family isn't enough.

I guess we all need to fake it until we can make it.  For someone who can smell fakery from ten miles, and is appalled by disingenuous people, this sounds like a pretty big lump of a bitter pill to swallow.  But so it is.......pretend you love these people until you can actually love them.  There are people in my own family I find difficult to stomach, much less love; but I guess it is my job to pretend I love them until I actually can love them.  I am working on this.

People who are loved, who feel loved, and are able to respond to love will behave better than those who are completely unloved.  All you need is love.  But the state of the world says we need a whole lotta love right now - even if we're just fakin' it till we can make it.

Bobby Jindal and his Idiot Government

Billions of dollars given to Louisiana to rebuild after several major hurricanes is still sitting idle on the coffers.

One has to wonder about the reasons for this.  Obviously, Jindal and his tea party protagonists can't figure out a way to distribute this wealth to the wealthy in any kind of legitimate way.

A lot of that money was to be for rebuilding affordable housing, but that means housing for people who can't afford McMansions and Starter Castles; in other words, undesirables.  Until the Jindal administration can figure out how to funnel that money into the upper middle class, it will just sit on the books.

I understand that the republicans are all about not spending money that doesn't directly benefit the 1% of the population who write public policy and own the republicans.  Still, it seems like the federal government should take back this money if Louisiana can't figure out what to do with it.  Give it to Mexico - they'd know what to do with it.

Here in Baton Rouge, the roads are disgustingly unsafe; the traffic patterns create gridlock, the cops don't pay any attention to the idiot drivers and the idiot drivers are busy killing pedestrians, whom don't have any sidewalks to transport them anywhere safely.

Is it REALLY that freakin' hard to figure out where to spend some money in this state?  Apparently, if you're as lame as Bobby Jindal, it most certainly is.  Demand the dorks who run this state start disbursing these funds to public projects that would benefit the citizens of this state.  What are they waiting for.  I tell you what they're waiting for.  YOU to turn your back.

Barbara Bush Hospitalized

In terms of sensitivity and compassion, let me just say that when I heard the news that Barbara Bush was hospitalized with a respiratory ailment, I felt absolutely nothing except disgust she'd get as much as five minutes of national news coverage.

Sorry.  It's how I feel about the matriarch of one of the more intensely stupid political families of which our nation has been uniquely burdened.

If Barbara Bush can't breathe, well, that's karma baby, for telling all the people in the Houston Astrodome after Hurricane Katrina that they were living large and had things better than they'd ever had them before.

Choke on the air, sweetie.  This particular person absolutely doesn't give a $hit how purple you turn, how miserably you suffer, or when you take your dying breath --- as long as you take it and never pollute the airwaves again with your twisted values diatribe.

Ding Dong - the Witch Might Die.

New Year's Resolutions

I do this every year; list the things I'm going to officially try to accomplish for 2014.  Doesn't usually work out, so maybe I should rename this New Year's Re- Delusions.  But here goes.

1.  Cigarettes.  Yes.  Every year.  On the list.  Been two days since I lit up.  All I can say is I enjoy being an addict and why wouldn't I?  However, I do not enjoy having a cough or hearing about people I know who have developed COPD. 

2.  Lose weight.  This I need to take seriously since I live in the land where less clothing is definitely more optimal.  I used to be able to hide those ten pounds under sweaters, boots and excellently tailored pants.  No longer possible.  I have 3 weeks to lose some fattage that's hanging around my mid section.  This one I must accomplish.

3.  Eat less sugar.  Uh huh.  Right.  I love sugar, too.  Well, alright, enough is enough.  I don't want to develop diabetes.  I guess I should take this somewhat more seriously than I do.

4.  Stop being so generous.  This has become a fault with me; wherein I'm cutting off my means to make sure other people have what they need.  That is not necessarily my responsibility and I need to realize it.  This will be hard for me since our society is so f*cked up right now and most people are having a very difficult time financially.

5.  I will beep my horn less at all these rotten Louisiana drivers as it seems to be the ultimate expression of bad manners here.  They can cut you off, rear end you, cross the center line and cause your death, and all of that is more acceptable here than beeping a horn.  I just like to beep my horn.  Sometimes I do it for no reason.  Boy do people get mad here when you beep your horn.  It's sort of like talking with your mouth full of food.

6.  I will increase my lap swimming time from 20 minutes to 30 minutes, and I will go to the pool a minimum of five days per week. 

7.  I will write a minimum of one page per day on anything that's not a blog, an e-mail or a Facebook post.

8.  I will eat more fish and I will cook more creatively.

That's it.  That's a lot.  That's probably far less than what I need to do, but it's a start.