Saturday, July 14, 2012

Political Slate of Wisconsin Candidates for U.S. Senate OR How to Bore Yourself to Literal Death

Republican Candidates for U.S. Senate seat vacated by Herb Kohl.

1.  Tommy Thompson.  Out riding his motorcycle and pandering to the current tea bags running his political party.  The consummate politician.  Nothing to say; nothing to brag about; nothing to imagine and nothing accomplished.  Please, Tommy.  Fade Out.  I'm scared to drive my car knowing a relic like you is out there on a Harley.  You on the ballot is even scarier than you on the highway.  Retire.  Go fishing.  Write a book on the joys of being mediocre.

2.  Marc Neuman.  Forcefully lying about the risks of nationwide health care and portraying Barack Obama as a dangerous socialist.  Please Neuman.  Take your anti-woman, anti-health, anti-human views of the world and put them back under the same sludge covered rock you crawled out from.  There isn't any place in this world for someone with such limited understanding of complex problems.  No one has elected you yet, so why not quit while you're consistently behind.  Why don't you ever get it?

3.  Eric Hovde.  What is it about this guy that just makes me want to pick up a two by four and start smashing his face in?  I can't really explain it, but he just enrages me.  Maybe its his clean cut appearance.  I always hated the look of people like Eric Hovde.  So generic.  So white bread.  So devoid of a solitary unique characteristic.  Give me a good, ethnic, strong face any day of the week.  It's like you know when you look at Eric Hovde there's nobody home.  Just a collection of time worn rhetoric and a zombie mask.

4.  Jeff Fitzgerald.  Aye ca rumba, this guy is a direct genetic link to the Aryan nation; blond hair, blue eyes, hatred oozing from every pore for all things non-Caucasian, non-male, non-totalitarian.  Put him in a brown shirt and you have adequately portrayed the very essence of his being.  This guy doesn't even need to buy press-on swastikas, his appearance and his misguided verbalization tell you everything you need to know.  Run. 

Like Joel McNally said in the Shepard Express, the only way to get a better caliber of republican candidates is to markedly improve the republican voting base.  What a bunch of sadly lost and hopeless people.  That we are being led to the end by a group of outrageously ignorant, uneducated, stupid excuses for human beings is just another reason to vote for Tammy - at least she's real.  This republican slate appears much like fun house dummies, intended to scare the hell out of us.  It's working on me.

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