Friday, January 4, 2013

Scott Walker's Bald Spot, Part II

Well, try as he might, that bald spot just keeps growing larger and larger on Scott Walker's bone head.  It's taken on a life of its own.  Now I, personally, love a good, bald man, but Scott Walker's bald spot is hideous; taking over his entire head while his thick, wiry hair grows around it.  It's like a fur trimmed toilet seat.

Scott Walker has a scalp yarmulke. 

Scott Walker's bald spot is alive.  It is eating his head.  Scott Walker's bald spot is frustrated.  It will seek nourishment elsewhere.  It will come for us next.  We MUST stop Scott Walker's bald spot.

Scott Walker's bald spot is evil, it is waiting for a chance to leap to other heads and eat away hair and all semblance of sanity. 

Scott Walker says he's going on a trade mission to China, but we all know he's seeking Chinese medicinal cures for hair loss.  And of course, he's chasing the dragon, we all know Scott Walker loves opium.  That's why he lost his hair to begin with.

Scott Wallker's bald spot is spiraling out of control, consuming more and more hair as it advances.  Soon Scott Walker will be coughing up giant hairballs like an old tom cat, because his bald spot has forced his hair to grow inward. 

Scott Walker's bald spot will kill him, as hair continues to grow out of every orifice:  nostrils, ears, black hairy tongue, anus.  Scott Walker will soon be known as the Yeti of Wisconsin.  Only his bald spot will spare him from living in the Nicolet National Forest, scaring girl scouts.

Save us.  Send razors NOW!


Paul Kirby said...

We're not letting you any where near a razor. How about a NO!NO! or nonoNO!NO! as Amazon call it That'd be a great campaign slogan 'Just say nonoNO!NO! to Scott Walker!' Read a little of his profile on wikipedia. Nice. Well he is a Republican. Speaking of Republicans I see LINCOLN is being trailered at the moment. Daniel Day Lewis playing the lead. Heard anything good about it?

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AlexisAR said...

My dad read a book to my brother and me when we were very young. It was a rather nonsensical book offering off-the-wall reasons as to why we all do rather ordinary things. If I recall correctly, the reason the book gave for cutting hair is that it grows inside the head as well as on the outside, and that every time one trims the outside of one's hair, doing so reduces the growth potential of (and the taking over of the brain by) the hair growing inside one's head. It was indeed a stupid book, but if there's the remotest possibility of even a single iota of truth in this asinine children's story, bring out the Nair, the razors, the electrologists, the conditions that trigger trichotillomania,or even the radiologists with their massive doses of baldness-inducing chemo drugs.

Scott Walker's head compared to a fur-trimmed toilet seat is one of the more brilliant metaphors* I've come across and, as a combined English/biochemistry major, I've seen more than my share of well-expressed metaphors in recent months.

I, too, like a nice bald man just as much as does the next person. I just don't happen to consider Scott Walker (or, for that matter, Dick Cheney[or even Karl Rove, who barely meets criteria for bona fide baldness, though even the most casual observers would note that his hair has lost at least some of its former lustre, but his overall iniquity rating ups his ranking in any negative characteristic to which I'd care to ascribe to him] a nice man.

Not that anyone else is particularly interested, but I'll try to locate that absurd book my dad read to my brother and me so long ago.

* I recognize that your wording of the description likening Scott walker's head to a fur-trimmed toilet bowl was more of a simile than a metaphor, but I reworded it simply so that I could rightly use the word "metaphor" rather than "simile." For no logical reason, I like typing"metaphor" more than I like typing the word "simile." Neither literary device is preferable to the other. I just like the word "metaphor," and I would italicize as I should [as opposed to using quotation marks] were it not for the fact that I lack the skill to italicize in the comments section of Blogspot.

Please pardon this rather wordy post. My winter quarter begins in seven hours and nine minutes. I'm operating on the delusion that if I sis up in bed, typing away rather than sleeping, the inevitable will be delayed.

Citizen X said...

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