Losing Tara

Tara and I had a very bad night; she woke me up at 2 a.m., stumbling, knocking things over, confused, blind.  In her fright, she had really made a mess of the downstairs and I was disinfecting floors until 3 a.m.  That's the least of it.  My husband was gone, and she sensed this and was obviously distraught over it.  It took two hours of petting and trying to soothe her before she fell asleep.  I fell asleep at about 4:30 a.m. and woke up when Tim called me at 8.  Tara does better in the morning, at least she is less confused, so she ate and we went for a walk......but the bad night will stay with me for a long time.  It is very hard when our animals are trying to tell us things and we are not getting it; just like when I was trying to soothe her, and she was having none of it.

At any rate, I called the vet and she is coming to end Tara's misery on April 1st.  We will try to make her as comfortable, relaxed and loved until then.  I cried all day today.  Had a horrible painting project to complete and managed to get through it because Tara was so exhausted, she slept on the sofa all afternoon.  The painting is complete and the stairwell looks clean and fresh.  I wish I did. 

Let me tell you the benefit of having a bipolar mother; she never would tolerate us having a dog; so Tara is my first experience with losing a dog.  It's ridiculously sorrowful.  I adopted Tara when her owner, Sherry, who was my best friend, died of breast cancer.  So I not only lose my dog, I lose my last connection to Sherry.

I believe, somehow, that all the animals we loved and cared for will be with us again.  They will be young and healthy and beautiful, like we all will be in my idea of a final manifestation.  No, not necessarily heaven, which sounds like a crowded, noisy place to me.  Don't really believe in heaven, but something about my earthbound experience makes me believe I will live forever, in some form or another.  And I hope to throw a ball for Tara again, and go swimming with her.  Right now, I'm just too sad.  March is my saddest month.  It always will be.