Before I expose a telephone conversation between Scott Walker and Sarah Palin recorded under the extended freedom of wiretaps law, I would like to say the following:
"Stop, STOP, STOP, Scott Walker, saying that you will stay the course and stand with Wisconsin taxpayers". I am a Wisconsin taxpayer. I don't want you to stand with me. I never voted to strip our hardworking state employees of their collective bargaining rights. Don't stand with me. Don't stand near me; I do not want to be infected by your slime ball, slick oil, snake venom presence. In other words, Mr. Walker, please stop saying that you are standing with me, because you are not. You are standing up for the rich. As if they need any backers. Well, at least the rich have picked backers whom are idiots like you. And truly, I'm sick of your g.d. hair falling on me.
"No Scotty, it's Sarah calling from the land of the midnight sun".
"Sarah! What a surprise. What are you doing in Norway?"
"No, silly. Alaska. It's where I live."
"Oh. Well, uh, how you doin, Sarah? How's the family?"
"Growing by leaps and bounds. Little Tripp likes to drink out of the dog dish, though. He might have a little mange."
"No more unplanned pregnancies, I hope"?
"Oh, no no, everyone is fine and not pregnant. Locked in their rooms. I just wanted to tell you I'm proud of you and what you're doing to the working class folks there in Wisconsin. It takes some kind of man to stand up to hideous union demands. It's hard to be unpopular."
"Like you would know, Sarah, you're the most popular girl in America. I am, steadfastly, staying the course."
"Well, Scott, good thing you have those platitudes. They are what people will remember most. I hope you have a platitudial tutor to help you. You'll need to learn a whole lot more of them platitudes. It's how to answer questions without saying anything".
"I know. It's hard, though. I have to always remember to say them in the right order, and at the same time, not to tip my head forward so my big bad empty skull doesn't glare too much. So much to remember."
"Oh believe me, I know. I spent a fortune on push-up bras, earrings and designer frames so I could distract the press."
"Well, I've got my hands full".
"Oh....should I call you back?"
"No, no, I'm not peeing. I just meant all these dang union members walking around on the capitol lawn. And all the democrats fled the state. Everyone is trying to tarnish my stellar image.
"Well, stay the course, as you said."
"I will, I will. Once I get these damn unions busted, I'm going to tackle some really big issues, like getting rid of poor people."
"Wowie Zowie, how will you do that?"
"Well, I brainstormed with some people, and I'm gonna fire all the state social workers. If those dang poor people don't have social workers to help them, well, they'll all just starve to death, or freeze to death. Either way, they'll die off and we can get back to being rich and successful and Poor Free."
"Holy Smoked Salmon, that's a wonderful idea, Scott! Stupid social workers are just a bunch of socialists, anyhow. We don't need them in our great United States. What we need is income police. If people can't meet the bar for appropriate income levels, they need to be chucked out of society, maybe sent to Mexico."
"I know. Sarah? Was it hard for you when you were nominated to McCain's ticket? I mean, no one told me it was going to be so hard to be governor. I always have a headache. I have to read stuff all day long and I think I need new glasses. And....my sons are getting harassed at school.....by teachers."
"Oh, go to Googly Eyes for glasses. They have ones with smart eyeballs painted on the lenses so you'll look a whole lot more intelligent on camera. As for your sons, well, they'll just have to stand up and take it. It's hard to be the child of a trailblazer."
"Sarah, I got worse problems. Big problems. Big bad problems."
"Oh Oh. What's up Scotty, boy?"
"Jack Black is going to play me on Saturday Night Alive".
"Hell's Bells, that's bad news. Don't let the liberal Jews in Hollywood get you down, though. Remember, Bristol came in second on Dancing on the Stars and she has two left feet and two right brains. You just have to stay the course."
"I will. Stay the course, stay the course, I might look stupid but I'll show no remorse".
"Oh, that's a goody goody gum drop saying. I just love it to political death".
"Speaking of political death, what are you doing these days, Sarah old girl".
"Well, I'm collecting a lot of money by speaking to large groups of under-educated, self-righteous, ignorant folks, mostly in Arizona."
"Hmmm. Maybe I can resign and get some speaking engagements. I don't really like being a governor. They gave me a mansion and all, but I can't keep these damned agitators off the lawn."
"Ooops, have to go Scotty. The Avon lady is at the door, and I need a new spring shade of wing nut pink".
"Okay, Sarah, girl. You have a good evening. Thanks for calling. It's hard to be so important while simultaneously being so stupid."