1. Scott Walker. I will stop pretending I know anything about anything.
2. Mitt Romney. I will pay 47% in taxes on my offshore illegal investments.
3. Barack Obama. I will kick John Boerner's a$$ from here to Kenya.
4. Anne Coulter. I will dress up in leather and bop a liberal, all while keeping my eyes open.
5. Ron Johnson. I do solemnly swear to lose reelection by doing what I do best. Nothing.
6. Donald Trump. I will shave my head.
7. Paul Ryan. I will lose my schoolboy charm and have an affair with a Catholic woman who has had an abortion.
8. George Bush, Sr. I will die.
9. George Dubya Bush. I will stand trial in The Hague for war crimes.
10. Chris Abele. I will stop sticking it to Milwaukee County employees/retirees and commit Sheriff Clarke to the Behavioral Health Division for observation.
11. Sheriff Clarke. I will stop making a horse's a$$ out of myself at every opportunity. I will also buy a portable electro-convulsive therapy machine and hook myself up whenever I start to feel tea-partyish.
12. Lindsey Lohan. I will give up on the craft and become a full-fledged junkie, once and for all. I will also buy burglarly tools; shoplifting is too hard.