Saturday, July 27, 2013

Tips for Taking a Road Trip with a Cat

1.  Your vet can prescribe valium for the cat.  If this does not help the cat tolerate a car trip, take one yourself.

2.  As soon as you enter the freeway, your cat will instantly relieve himself in the backseat litter box.  This stink will follow you for 75 miles, before you can't stand it anymore and must stop to clean it.  This behavior will be repeated the entire length of your trip. 

3.  Cats do not like motorcycles or semi-trucks and will growl and hiss when you pass one. 

4.  For a cat, the most comfortable part of the car is under the gas pedal and brakes.  Be very careful when removing the cat from this place.  Stepping hard on the tail works very well.

5.  Cats get bored on long road trips.  They entertain themselves by sleeping, coughing up fur balls, puking, spreading their food all over the back seat and spilling the water bowl. 

6.  Cats, by their very nature, do not like to go 70 mph and will voice objections to this speed on a regular and annoying basis.

7.  You cannot leave the cat in the car and go eat something in the restaurant.  Prepare to consume food that must be delivered through a drive though window.  You must also take the cat to the bathroom with you, so make sure you have a carrier, because despite the cat's misgivings about being uprooted, he will take off the moment you don't have him under control.  The unknown is always more acceptable to the cat than the car.

8.  Cats do not like hotel rooms, due to their over developed sense of smell and their pronounced sense of entitlement.  They also will attempt to escape this particular hell every moment.  If your cat is stalking and pouncing all night as you try to sleep, you have picked the wrong hotel and it is bug infested. 

9.  Just when your cat has given up all cat like hope of leading a cat like life and is feigning serious illness or death, you will arrive at your destination.  Do not believe the lies of the cat and don't waste money on an unnecessary trip to an animal hospital.

10.  Your cat is PI$$ED.  Do not be surprised if he hides for days in your new house, pretends he can't find the litter box, and refuses food and affection.  Look out for sneak attacks the first few days and stop asking what that smell is.  You know what that smell is and you'll find it, eventually.

11.  Do not leave anything of value on the floor, especially your shoes.  As I said, your cat is PI$$ED off and will retaliate accordingly.

12.  Expect your cat to be confused by the flora and fauna of your new location.  Be especially careful of cats bringing baby water moccasins to your patio.  Cats don't do commands, so good luck getting the cat to give up any prey he may have found.  Also, look out for that mother snake.

13.  Having a fenced back yard means NOTHING to your cat.

1 comment:

AlexisAR said...

I don't have a cat but will someday. When I get one, I will remain wherever I live (unless the move is across town) as long as the cat lives. You have thoroughly convinced me.