Several thousand well-placed kicks in the a$$.
A copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People Dumber than Me".
A Cayman Islands bank account.
Wellies. He must have ruined hundreds of shoes by standing in his own bull$hit.
An anatomically correct life-size doll. Hard to tell what his gender preference would be. Maybe Rosie the Riveter, who was protected under a union. He has an obvious fondness for sticking it to the working class.
An invitation to the Koch Brothers mansion for a New Year's Eve party, where he'll stick out like a sore bum.
Satin boxers to soothe his rigid sphincter muscle.
Paint by number sets so he can replace all the art at the Governor's mansion. I hear he's fond of birds, deer, and the ku klux klan.
Visine with adderal for his lazy eye.
An expense paid trip to Appalachia where he'll meet people who at least look like him.
A unicycle. What surer way to have him fall on his head?
Bailey's Irish Arsenic.
And, of course, everyone's all time favorite, a Grand Jury Indictment.