Yeah yeah yeah, the royal wedding was quite the event. So dignified. So regal. So British.
If America would name me Queen of the States, I would have quite the event too, remarrying my husband in a grand event. The differences between British Royalty and the new American Royalty, me, would be quite obvious.
My bachelorette party would take place in Vegas, with much gambling, drinking of kamikazes and general debauchery. I would become the royal spokesperson for ibuprofen, the cure for the kingly hangover.
I'd have my dress made for me by Lupe, a seamstress on the southside of Milwaukee. It would not be elegant and demure (who would I be kidding), but it would have lots of dingle balls, colorful embroidery of parrots and palm trees and I would wear a sombrero heaped with fruit and nuts. My shoes would be Birkenstocks because I have terribly sore feet.
My husband, let's see, he would become the, uh, Earl of Wilderness, would wear one of his many hunting outfits, turkey, deer, duck, goose, or perhaps a nice fly fishing vest. His hunting clothes are the only outfits he has that match.
Our reception would take place at Shank Hall, home of the alternative set, here in Milwaukee. Upon arrival, our guests will be served a variety of Milwaukee canapes, wienies, brats, popcorn, peanuts, and a huge amount of micro-brew.
I thought about having a beautiful champagne fountain with an ice sculpture of the Titanic on its way to its watery resting place. But, since it's Milwaukee, I'll have the Iroquois going down in a bucket of beer.
Dinner will be Mexican food, it's the best in the world, outside of Mexico.
My daughter will be my, let's see, what's the American equivalent of a Lady in Waiting? My daughter will be my Countess in Criticism. She'll find fault with my look and everything I do on my big day, and dislike the attendant's gift I got her, asking if I kept the receipt. She'll also leave early to attend a Brewers game.
Anyhow. I think I've got everything it takes to be a Queen. To be your Queen. To be the Queen of the United States.